This is my mind

Saturday, August 13, 2005


What can I write on it? What can anybody write about it? The word obviously have different dimension for different people. Without trying to go into the wide spectrum of its meaning I would rather confine myself to what it means to me.

‘Freedom’ something I always have longed for, not that I don’t have it… but I just cant get enough. More and more freedom from more and more…everything.

To begin with I need the freedom to have my own definition of ‘freedom’. Off late this is one area that I am having a consistent fight with my dad. Coming home at 11 twice a week and 12.30 to 1 once a week…what was I doing, with who and where? Don’t ask me such questions I hate giving explanations. I need my freedom I tell him. “if u think that having a night life, staying overnight at a guy's place, smoking, drinking, chilling out with so called friends etc etc gives u a sense of independence, for me it is not” my pissed off friend yelled these words at me. I know that. I say Independence is when I am not being asked questions about what am I doing and why am I doing…when I am left alone to do my things in my own way to the best of my own judgment. ‘My own judgment’ are the key words. That’s what is my freedom.

We are not luggage or property, that we always need an owner or custodian. We were not born to be taken from the custody of our fathers and be handed safely (virginity intact) over to the custody of husbands. I am not against marriage. Not a feminist that way. But from being a father’s daughter to being a man’s wife, we must, at least I must for some time be ME. I need that transition period when I live only for myself. And I need freedom from people telling me my thinking is not the way it should be.

Freedom is when I have the freedom to exercise my options without the fear of loosing a 15 years old bond with my school friends. Freedom of backing out of a weekend trip which was planned and executed by me till the time I left it in order to exercise a better available option that of going to a leisure trip to a 5 star Taj Resort in the company’s expense, where I don’t have to spend a single penny and get 5 star treatment, I get to meet everybody in my company and who knows may be someone interesting too (so far I only know the 6 working in my department) and finally I get to avoid that awkward feeling of being the only single amongst the ‘all couples’. (though this has never been an issue for me in the past 15 years). My only defense “I am opportunist, selfish and a miser” I am ME

Freedom is, to not bother about the mailbox which is now full of abuses from friends who could not accept ME.

For me freedom is to follow my gut feeling, freedom to act stupid and silly, freedom to pretend to be emotional when I am not and strong when I am breaking inside. Freedom to be rude in love (and still be loved) and polite in hatred. Freedom to fight for no reason and not say sorry (and yet forgiven). Freedom from truth (I already know them) and freedom from lies (I don’t want to know them).

One of my friends has a broken marriage for some one and a half year now living the life of a bachelor though technically he is still married. He is in bondage when I see from my eyes. Freedom is when you stop being in a relationship for fanciful reasons like society, children and their so-called bright future and fear of god.

Freedom is when you stop getting into a relationship like marriage for any other stupid reasons but love. To name a few (a) Security (b) companionship (c) procreation (d) free house maid (e) contingent fear of lonely old age…but this is a different story presently out of context.

Freedom will be when I meet someone who ticks in the column ‘self-employed professional’ in her income tax return and while signing it pulls out her visiting card which says XYZ – Prostitute, Delhi and hands it over to me with a smile, and I don’t roll my eyes, and I don’t come home and tell the incident to every one I meet. Freedom will be when she calls herself a prostitute and not put a veil of silly words like ‘hot single friend’ around her profession. Freedom is when women demand sex with dignity and refuse with assertiveness.

Freedom will be when my Muslim friends in Modi’s wonderland can fearlessly cheer for the Pakistani cricket team just the way I cheer for the Australian team.

Freedom will be when I would spend a couple of thousands in one ‘Saturday night’ without feeling guilty about the fact that millions went to bed hungry, thousands got raped, beaten up, yelled at, hundreds got burned to death rolled over by BMWs, and more and more (I don’t know the statistics) cursed the day they were born and wept in their pillows that same night.


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